countdown

On the day that TED left L and I decorated his very own jar and carefully counted out M&M's, one for each day Daddy would be gone, with a few extra thrown in just to make sure we wouldn't run out before the jets pulled back onto the line.

Yesterday as L picked his M&M for the day he looked into the jar and announced that there weren't very many left and that Dad will be home very soon.

We have made it to January, homecoming month! TED will be home very soon and we are getting so very excited. We still don't have an exact date but we are praying that the days go quickly, the squadron replacing them is timely, the jets are healthy and that we don't run out of M&M's!

pick up

Almost eight years ago I stepped off of an airplane late on a Friday night and met my fiance, now husband, in the waiting area. He was standing behind a pillar towards the back of the open room, the same pillar he stood behind each time he met me for a too short visit. He greeted me with the same loving smile and hug he always did. The familiarity conitnued as we headed out to the car. I scanned the parking lot and could not find his car. I searched and searched as he walked confidently through the darkened lot. Before I knew it, he was stopped in front of a very large pick up truck.

He didn't. Oh, but he did. And there it was. A huge diesel pick-up truck. 

Now, as a girl raised in New Jersey I could count on one hand the number of times I had been in a truck. I was embarassed to climb into such a big vehicle and felt out of place. This was so unfamiliar to me. It was so big, and loud, and just different. Different from anything I had ever known.

I remember that ride home from the airport like it was yesterday. TED felt so far away sitting on the other side of this huge vehicle. When I told him how far away I felt he told me to scoot closer and ride "redneck". Needless to say, I was clueless but scooted over and smiled at this man I loved so much who was so at home in this truck. It was a part of him already, he just belonged.

With each trip I became more familiar and more comfortable, not with the truck, but with all that it stood for. It was a representation of this man I have chosen to walk through life with. It wasn't showy, definitely loud, but not showy. It was strong and protective, just like him.

Today, I find myself drawn to the white truck sitting in my driveway. It is a piece of my man. A quiet representation of so much. I find excuses to drive it. I strap car seats in to the back and comfortably take the wheel of this truck. Me in a truck.... without hesitation... by choice. I love sitting in that truck. It is my time with him, even when he isn't here.

tick tock

TED leaves in about two weeks.

That thought hangs in the air no matter where I go. The ticking clock. It doesn't matter where we go or what we do the time is getting closer. It is the same clock we have known before but it always seems different. I forget about it, pretend it isn't part of our world until the time comes when the ticking can not be ignored.

I was talking to a good friend, who's husband will be deploying with Mike, this morning and as we lamented the upcoming send off we both kept returning to the same point... more than anything we are just going to miss seeing and being with them. The rest will come. The kids will continue to grow, we will stay busy, we will survive sometimes even thrive but the missing piece will loom in the background.

That is the hardest part to explain to someone who has never gone through a deployment. The missing piece, the emptiness. The moments on the couch where he make fun of your choice of TV show. The smile that spreads across his face when the kids greet him after a day of work. Just having him here. Nothing really prepares you for it and no matter how many deployments you go through it never gets easier.


Nothing will stop that ticking clock so we will stay busy and enjoy every moment. I will store every smile, every hug, each moment we have until time runs out and a new clock takes it's place. The one that brings him back to us.

That clock is my favorite one of all.

reclaiming me

Before I got pregnant with Logan I was thin, painfully thin. I obsessed over every single bite of food I put into my mouth. I looked great but it was tough. So it should be no surprise that when I got pregnant I let loose, the man at TCBY knew me by name, we ate out, I thoroughly enjoyed the fried chicken at the school I was working with... I think you get the point. Needless to say, all of that eating resulted in a BIG pregnancy weight gain. The thing is, I was so small to begin with everyone I met, who didn't know me pre-preggo, thought I was adorable and ALL belly. Not so much,

After I had Logan it took me about 6 months to get back to a weight I was comfortable with. It wasn't the same as my pre-baby weight but it was one that allowed me to live my life not obsessing about food but also not embarrassed to be in a picture.

Fast forward two years and we are moving to RI. My comfortable weight was beginning to creep out of control. Poor food choices, little exercise and I was right back to the weight I was the day I brought Logan home from the hospital. I was miserable, so disappointed in myself, yet lacking the motivation to really do anything about it. I talked a great game, I was going to start this diet, or that diet but I never followed through. Then I got pregnant again.

Once again my willpower went out the window. Difference was I was no longer the once skinny girl who to strangers now looked "all belly" I was getting huge. It was embarrassing.

Nine months later my beautiful baby girl arrived and I was heavier than I had ever been. I once again swore that I would take it off quick, I would try South Beach, Weight Watchers, workout, run, etc, etc etc. I tried and gave up on everything except weight watchers and that is only because I can be half serious about that with no real consequences (well except for the monthly bill on my credit card). Every Monday morning I would look TED in the eye and talk about how this would be the time that I got serious. I should have just recorded it and played it over and again because saying the words was getting me nowhere.

Today I stepped onto the scale after pre-deployment leave and lots of excuses and the number staring back at me stopped me in my tracks. What am I doing? Why do I keep doing this to myself? I am the only person who can change me. I can't talk about it I have to do it.

So here I am... doing something about it. I entered a VERY ugly weight into Weight Watcher's weight tracker and I ordered Turbo Fire. I know it won't be easy but I want to reclaim ME. I want to pose for pictures with my husband and children without any thought as to what it will turn out like. I want my children to see that exercise is something that BOTH of their parents do on a regular basis. I want to take my husband's breath away when I walk into a room. I want to be happy when I look in the mirror.

No excuses and no re-dos. This time I am serious. I want me back and I am going to work hard to do it.

Wish me luck.

like this

Last weekend we buckled the kids into their respective car seats and headed off to tackle our ever expanding list of to-dos. We then hopped into the front seat and took off. Soon the road and radio noises were drowned out by the happy babbles from our Riley girl and the curious questioning from Logan. As both carried on, with no end in sight, TED and I took turns trying to acknowledge Riley's cute attempts at conversation while answering the rapid fire questions on subjects ranging from, "what kinds of clouds are those" and "where we were going" to "are lizards afraid of rain".

 Finally, after many minutes I started to laugh. I couldn't help myself.  I looked over at TED, still patiently answering all of our little boy's questions and posed one of my own... "Did you ever think this is what your life would be like?" He turned to me and laughed saying, "never".

We talked about how we would have loved to put a video camera in the car with us so that we could remember these moments and some day share them with our kids. The moments of crazy that are part of every parent's life, yet so unique that you just have to stop and take it all in. I hope we always take a moment to be in awe of what is going on around us as we watch our children grow into this big world of ours.

Truth is, I never knew life would be like this but I am so incredibly thankful that it is.

Where to start

There have been many times over the past year when I have sat down down at the computer and began a sentence intended for this very space. The process is always the same~ write a few sentences, decide they can not adequately describe the entirety of events that have occurred since the last time I posted something, press the save as draft button hoping that the words will write themselves, ignore them for months on end, and ultimately leave this space woefully out-dated . Rinse and repeat.

This morning I decided that instead of trying to catch the one or two people who read this blog everyone up I will just jump in like nothing ever happened knowing full well that you realize life has happened.

Life has continued on; it has been both wonderful and trying all wrapped into one. I have an amazing husband, TWO (seriously, I still can not believe it) beautiful and healthy children, and lots on my plate. I will try my best to fill in the gaps, but in the mean time I hope you will indulge me as I jump back in and continue the story of Mrs. TED because she has lots to say :)

Off we go

After a LONG, LONG absence from writing I have decided to start up again. I know- not the first time you have heard this but this time I am going to stick with it, I think.

Life has been busy for our family over the past 14 months. TED came home from deployment, we moved to the cold Northeast, LM started preschool, and we prepared to move south again.

On Monday the packers will arrive to pack out our beautiful and luxurious home and then we will head south to the land of jet noise. We are thrilled to be moving to our new house.


We will certainly be busy with boxes, boxes and more boxes but I will keep you posted as we continue on our Marine Corps journey. Wish us luck

Picture Wednesday- A little late

Sorry for the lack of posts... I have no good excuses but I do have some really important things that I want to write about coming up so stay tuned..

In the meantime, here are some new pictures of L. Enjoy

We Remember

I wrote this post last year while Ted was deployed. I am not sure that I can create words this year to adequately describe life these days but suffice it to say that 365 days from the writing of the post below I feel incredibly blessed and loved and I am thinking and praying for all of those who are now walking a path I know all to well. Step bravely, you are strong and dedicated and you too will learn so much from these times..
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Originally posted here on September 11, 2007

Six years ago today I was a bright-eyed and slight overwhelmed, 21 year old PE teacher about to begin the seventh day of her first real job. My class was awaiting instructions when one of my co-workers came in and quietly whispered in my ear, there was an accident- a plane flew into one of the Trade Center buildings.

I tried to hide my cringe because I was teaching less than one-hour from New York City. My father's business was largely conducted in NYC and he often spent time in these towers, though I knew he was not there this day. As I gave instructions I wondered what had happened and hoped no one I knew was involved.As the lesson continued there was another message, it was bad.

We couldn't have known how bad it truly was going to be.

When my class was over I returned to the office I shared with three other teachers. We turned on the radio and instantaneously heard, a second plane has flown into the Trade Center; both towers have been hit. We all stood silent and shocked; then immediately turned off the radio. This was not news fifty middle-school girls should be hearing as they got changed to resume their day.

We pretended. We went about our day in stunned shock. The towers had fallen, the pentagon had been hit, and there was a plane down in a Pennsylvania field; many were missing, even more had been killed. Parents flocked to the school and pulled their children out fearing the worst was occurring. Students began to question what was going on; I could not answer. I so badly wanted to answer but, alas it was not my place. How could I; someone who barely considered herself an adult, explain to these children what had happened. I didn't understand it myself.

The day was over and we all rushed home. I sat glued to the television not able to understand why all of this had happened. I didn't have any students who lost parents but their grief and sorrow was still immeasuarable.

They had just learned that their world would be forever changed.

~~~~~

I did not know TED on September 11, 2001 but I did know one of his friends. TED's friend Brad was dating one of the girls I shared an office with and I remember her coming in to work the next day telling me that the squadron the guys were in may be headed, to the fight. At the time I was so upset for her. How hard it must be, how scared she must feel. I didn't understand what loving someone in the military was about. I couldn't grasp that fear.

Little did I know that I would have all to good of an understanding.
~~~~~
On September 11, 2006 TED began his MiTT training in preparation for his deployment to Iraq. It was the first day of a very long 15 months. He was preparing to go to the fight; I was scared.

This time TED wouldn't be in a jet, he would be on the ground- in one of the most dangerous cities in all of Iraq. He would be fulfilling a mission I didn't completely understand but knew was extremely risky. I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know how to react.

I spent the day thinking of my students; those young faces who began their day, five years ago, carefree and by its conclusion were forever changed.

I truly understood how they were feeling on that morning. I felt as if I would never be the same. What if this was the beginning of the end of our fairy tale? What if this mission was too dangerous? Would my life still be my own this time next year?

I could not bear to think about 365 days from September 11th because I was so unspeakably terrified that my world would be forever different.
~~~~~
September 11, 2007 began with a "mama?" from my little man. He was awake and ready to start the day. He did not know that so many would be grieving on this day. He doesn't remember that his Daddy was not here this time last year. He wanted to smile and play with his dogs. His world had not changed at all ; it was the same wonderful adventure as it had been the day before.

We have made it 365 days. We have survived the training, the hotels, the tears, the laughters, the attack, and the triumphs. We are still here. We have begun our countdown and I finally feel like I can truly move forward without being fearful of changes that life may bring.

Undoubtedly my life was forever changed on September 11, 2001 and again on September 11, 2006. I have learned to be stronger, love harder, and believe that no matter where this road takes us or how this journey unfolds, forever changed is not always a bad thing. Forever changed means there is still time to begin again- to learn, to grow, to love.

Picture Wednesday #3- base housing edition

Living in base housing means we are afforded the opportunity to surround ourselves with cutting edge trends in architectural design. Because we are so fortunate I thought it only fair to share some of these finer design elements, in case you are looking to upgrade any time soon.

Take for example this glorious use of wood paneling in the entryway.



Magnificent isn't it.

Or how about the sure to take off any minute now, lack of lighting provided in the home, thus causing one to live solely off lamp lighting, coupled with the always beautiful and stylish window air conditioners, because really central air conditioning is soooo 2007.



Then again, maybe window air conditioners aren't your thing. If you are more forward thinking and prefer your cooling be provided through an air conditioner placed into a carefully cut out hole in your wall and then sealed into place by the highest quality design duck tape this may be just what you are looking for.



Or perhaps you prefer the expensive dining room chair door stop look made possible by the installation of french doors in an 11x11 dining room.

As if these gems were not stunning enough, you can imagine how thrilled I was when I came home and discovered that living with all these architectural treasures is rubbing off on my husband. He decided that he wanted to add to the simple, modern and effortless style we are trying to convey in this beautiful 1200 square foot paradise and installed this..



who needs granite counter tops, hardwood floors, and walk-in closets. I now have a homemade pull-up bar in the doorway of my kitchen. Architectural Digest, call me.

Picture Wednesday #2- pants free edition

L. starts school preschool tomorrow. Hold me.

In the mean time, here are a few pictures of the little man. Sorry about the whole no pants thing, we just learned to use the potty and it is way easier to have him walk around without an extra layer of clothes. Besides who doesn't love to see little toddler tush. Woo hoo!

Picture Wednesday #1

Embarrassingly enough since TED has returned from Iraq there is little to no photographic evidence of L. I guess after 12 months of daily pictures I simply became lazy. In the meantime, the poor child will be missing nine months of his life!

In an effort to combat this problem I am starting picture Wednesday's. Here are some pictures from our summer.

Countdown neurosis

In the interest of fairness and honesty I must confess that the ticker at the top is not when I will actually see TED. It is when he will begin his journey back to the United States. His team's journey will be filled with multiple stops that are, of course, top secret. I don't know how many there will be or how many days each will consume. I do know that in six days my husband will be getting the hell out of dodge, as he likes to say. In six days I won't have to worry about him being wounded or worse. He will be (for the most part) extremely safe. I must also say that I do know about when he will be back into the base he deployed from (hint: it is in the single digits).

And now free of coherent transitions and thoughtful segways here are some of the things I have been wanting to post about but haven't gotten around to it..

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I have purchased so many different pieces of clothing for the homecoming that it is bordering on absurd. I have something for if it is hot/cold/freezing/sort of warm/sunny/rainy/morning/noon/ middle of the night. What is particularly alarming about this is I have these combos for both LM and myself. That makes for a lot of luggage- and yes, I know that it doesn't really actually matter what I am wearing but that is SOOO not the point. Factor in the two weeks worth of clothes we will need while he finishes the Warrior Transition Program, the clothes we needed to bring for 3M's return to the land of civi's, the toys, pack and play, and seventy pound footlocker we have to bring with us and I might as well rent a U-Haul. I can't shake the vision of the Beverly Hillbillies arriving to town for the first time.

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In a bit of horrendously annoying indecisiveness I emailed the amazing Whoorl because I could not figure out what to do with my hair. It is currently quite long and I have been toying with the idea of cutting it for so long, talking about it so much and changing my mind so frequently that my closest friends and family REFUSE to discuss it with me anymore. Amazingly, Whoorl agreed to help (sorry for the super close up shot of my large nose and unwaxed eyebrows (note to self: when submitting pictures of yourself they should probably be half-way decent)). Needless to say I was thrilled when she and so many of her wonderful readers (thank you by the way for commenting and stopping by) told me 1) that I had nice hair (it was a they like me, they really like me moment for sure!) and 2) that I should leave it long and bust out the curling iron. Thank goodness for Whoorl and Hair Thursday's. My hair and all of my friends thank you :)

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If one more person says "are you so excited that your husband will be coming home soon" to me I think I may smack them. Now, before everyone thinks that I am a horrible, heartless person I must admit that if I were in their shoes I would most likely say the same thing AND I totally understand where they are coming from; it is a natural and reasonable question. In fact, it is so natural and reasonable that I believe I have answered "Yes, I can't wait" 584269723017832580 times since last week. I am so unbelievably tired of that question. Just once I want to say "Actually not really, it is going to substantially cut into the time I spend with my boyfriend and that bums me out". That of course, would be totally inappropriate but the looks I would get would be priceless and 3M would totally think it was hysterical.

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Because I am partially insane I have decided to attempt a post about the things I have learned over the past year of this deployment. I am striving for 100 things and I think I may actually be able to complete it. My goal is to have it up by next Sunday. I can't promise that it will be funny or poignant but it will be honest. I hope that someone, somewhere will be able to laugh or cry along as I try to enumerate the countless emotions and experiences that have marked the past 365 days.

One from the road

I am happy to report that after a long 20 hour car ride filled with screams for Blue's Clues, more water, and random flailing about in one's car seat we have arrived at my parent's house. I will write more about what is going on in our little homecoming world soon but in the meantime I wanted to share something I learned on our journey.

While driving down I-95 I discovered that it is a colossally bad idea to get a personalized license plate that reads 1BIGQT. The primary reason you should step away from this license plate is because from far away it looks like "one bigot" which is, to say the least, a touch disturbing. The secondary reason to avoid this particular monicur is that there are weirdos like me who will speed up next to you just to see who in the world would put that on their license plate only to discover that it does, in fact, say "one big QT" and that while the BIG is accurate the QT is, um, not.

Jet noise

For the better part of three years the Blue Angels have been a consistent part of our lives. Several times a week they practice on their home runway which happens to be across the water from our home. At 0900 sharp the roar of the jets approaches, zooms past and back again at what seems to be lightning speed. The windows shake as we are reminded of the power behind these awesome aircraft.

I am not going to lie; when we first moved in it scared the crap out of me a few times. I couldn't decipher the tell-tale hum of the engines starting, that TED repeatedly attempted to point out, indicating that things were about to get a little noisy. Frequently I would be shushed mid-conversation because he had heard that sound that he loved so much. I made fun of his super-power hearing, chalking it up to the fact that he flew the hornet and was all too obsessed familiar with the noise. But as time went by I found myself stopping when I heard the hum; silently acknowledging- here we go; it is about to start.

These days LM doesn't seem to recognize the hum but the beginning of the roar of the engines sends him running to the backyard to see the "ahpanes". He points and laughs as they roll and zoom through the sky. I watch as their diamond formation gets closer and closer to perfection and marvel at the fact that my husband flies that same aircraft. I smile to myself and wonder if my little boy will follow in his Dad's footsteps and learn to fly those amazing jets. I ponder how long hornets will be in our lives.

The past two days have filled our home with extra booms, windows shakes, and noise. The annual homecoming show is here; marking the end of another Blue Angel season. As I attempted to distract LM from the scary and unfamiliar booms that were occurring, while reminding him of his love for the "ahpanes" I realized this would be the last time we saw the Blues fly over our home. There would be no more Blues jet noise. It was time to move on. With every pass and maneuver I felt a twinge of sadness. This part of our journey, like the Blues season, is over. It is time to begin again.

I envision this sad, yet hopeful feeling, continuing as we prepare for our PCS. I wonder what will be in store for us in the next leg of our journey with the Marine Corps. What noises will mark portions of our days or weeks, which sights will remind us that life is moving on as it should? I suppose all I can hope for is that each new noise, like this jet noise, continues to mark the sound of freedom.

Extra helping

Had lots of pictures of Little man this week so I thought I would share an extra to make you smile this weekend...



He and I wish you a fun and relaxing weekend.

LM Monday #7

Little man received a package from Iraq. He was far more excited about the box and the paper it was wrapped in then he was about the gift inside.

Don't let this picture fool you. Little man's favorite things to do with crayons are 1)eat them and 2) walk around the house with them to see how many things he can narrowly avoid coloring while his Mom nervously follows behind him.

On a side note, can someone please tell me where my baby went? This little boy has been showing up in all of my pictures lately.

Peek in the window

After getting rained out of our afternoon walk Logan and I went to the package store to pick up some milk. We took three steps into the store and Logan D.E.M.A.N.D.E.D. to be put down. Because he was screaming in the middle of the store and the only people besides he and I not in uniform was the cashier I obliged. He, surprisingly, took my hand and walked down the aisle. He walked straight down the aisle to the beer case and screamed his head off when I wouldn't allow him to open the case and, oh I don't know, take out some of the beer. After finally wrangling him back in my arms, he attempted to dive bomb straight to the floor and I was thisclose to dropping him all while the man in front of me took his sweet ass time figuring out if he was going to purchase the Marine Corps Times and which method of payment he was going to use on this very special occassion, where he found himself buying a soda and a bag of chips. Needless to say there was copious amounts of staring and probably an increase in condom sales at this particular package store this afternoon.

Footlocker

As we approached home this afternoon I checked the front door to see if a small package had been delivered from UPS. I quickly learned that there was something else at my door. A large green footlocker with an airbill and customs forms straight from Iraq. There it sat, proof that this is almost over; TED is almost home. Soon there will be no more packages, no more emails, no more phone calls, and sleepless nights. Soon we will again be a family. This glorious box in all of it's ugliness and heaviness was the best thing I have seen in a long time.

I can hardly believe that it has almost been a year. We have gone 332 days in this deployment. Just writing that is unbelievable. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime, others like a flash. The green footlocker sitting in my foyer is proof that we are almost safe, that my prayers are almost answered that my hero will be making his way home soon.

LM Monday #6